…well, the end of my exams anyway. No, that’s not strictly true: the end of my exams brings with it the end of a great many other things. It’s the official-official end of my high school career. Let’s be real, for all the tears I shed, graduation was mostly for frills and to satiate us students. I mean, really, though I still get emotional thinking about it, it doesn’t feel like we graduated when there’s exams to worry about.
But I guess that’s good. Keeps me on my toes, gives me something to do, and I’ve always been the type of person who needs to keep busy.
Okay. That’s not strictly true. I just need to know there’s things I can do while I procrastinate. Makes me feel important and not as bad about procrastinating (in a very strange, slightly perverse way).
Wow, this is an unstructured blog post, but I won’t lie, it feels good to get all of this out. It feels good not to have to keep structure in mind and just write, write, write with little regard for what The Examiners are going to think. I think what’s most stressful about my exams is that all I need to do is pass – I have everything lined up in front of me regardless of my grades, but I need to satisfy my own ego. And I’ll be honest – last year’s grades are a pretty hard act to follow.
My best friend, Alyssa, always derides me for this (and fairly so), saying, “Dude, you’re literally the only person who expects anything of you.”
Well. Yes. I suppose that’s true.
I’ve lost count of how many times she had to tell me this yesterday. It’s my need to feel accomplished more than anything else. My parents are completely content no matter what grades I get – it’s my fault for promising my teachers straight As when they didn’t really ask them of me.
I’ll always have unrealistic expectations of myself – I think we all do – and that’s just part of my work ethic, I guess. I need to reassure everyone around me (and in doing so, myself) that I can pull my own weight. It’s interesting how all-pervasive one self-esteem can be; something as simple as worrying about my appearance slowly manifested as a part of my overall performance and persona you could say.
I’m just glad the bulk of my exams are over. It’s a bit bittersweet but I’m definitely ready to move on.
Just two more exams to go and then I can focus on the next big part of my life.